[Josée's Note: Okay, shipping Ali and Nat is apparently a thing. And has henceforth gained the name "Natalie" (Nat/Ali) which makes me laugh far more than it should!
Also, you should know your character is feeling low when the music you use for your muse are titled "Surely Someday" and "The Hanging Tree"! (Go check them out; Adrisaurus on YouTube!)]
Letter Date: 17/08/2014
Dear Nat,
I retract what I said about the new recruit. She's nothing like you. She seems only to exist to goad me over the choices I made last time we travelled together.
I wasn't going to put in writing the choice I made for the "honour" of joining the Paladins. I didn't feel strong enough to actually write out, in black and white, what I had done.
The Paladins were threatening a man. They were going to destroy a village to stop the "darkness" within it. The man was arguing that unnecessary lives were going to be lost. So I offered to help him find the source of that darkness.
That source...was a ten-year-old boy. A necromancer.
Nat...what would you have done?
I...killed him. I have relived that moment every night since. I think I made the best decision...but there are always those doubts at the back of my mind...
Kitiara thinks differently. You never met Kitiara, but she and I once got along quite well. I kept her safe (and she kept me alive) on my first mission. When Mia (the "new recruit") refused to stop going on about the death of the child, Kitiara naturally wanted to know what she was implying. Rather than letting Mia misquote it...I decided to tell Kitiara myself. She was less than happy. While she tried (and failed) to convince Mia to shut up, she lectured me on "choosing a side"; the side of beings who "don't belong" in our world.
I then found out that there are abilities I have gained from joining the Paladins. I was able to repel and damage the shades far more easily than some of the others. Unfortunately, this was due to me shooting a massive bolt of light from my hands at them. Which lead to even more questioning and distrust.
Kitiara put a salt line around me to see if I could cross it. I could, but it wasn't just a step like usual. It took conscious effort to pass through. And Kitiara "reminded" me that that would only get more difficult in future.
Mia was a bane. Apparently I've gained a new nickname: Orphantears. I've never been one to wish an ally ill, but I truly wish I'd gone through with my threats of hitting her smug face with my shield. She knows it gets to me, and I know that's why she prods at the open wound so much...but would it not get to anyone else? Does she honestly think I decided to harm the boy simply "because I could"?
I suppose Kitiara is right. I am not quite "on their team" any more. But I was willing to put myself in harm's way to defend them. I was willing to be placed in a warding circle to satisfy their curiosity. I was even accepting of being shut out of important discussion because of the decision I have made. I hoped I had shown them that I have not "changed" as such, but that I am under more scrutiny. But if, regardless of the concessions I have made, they refuse to see me as anything more than just another threat...maybe I should stop trying. I guess my military training needs to be enforced again. Back to taking orders and getting the job done, I suppose.
I'm sorry for the negativity contained in this letter. I shouldn't place my self-doubt on your shoulders. I hope you are well. I miss having people around who don't see me as a threat to...well...everything.
Stay safe. You seem to be the only friend I have left.
Alixandra.
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