[Josée's Note: Okay...last Resurgence went...interestingly. Ali had to face a lot of suspicion and distrust in the group following her decision to join the Paladins, and also the vitriol of Mia who was with her when she undertook the "Test of Mettle". By the end of the mission, she had walked off, ahead of everyone else and left them to figure out the stuff they couldn't share with her, without her. This scene occurs that evening.
Wanderer’s Song – Adriana Figueroa (YT: Adrisaurus) [This is
definitely the more positive side of Ali showing through; the focus on proving
she’s more than what she seems to be.]
The Hanging Tree – Adriana Figueroa (YT: Adrisaurus) [The
not-so-positive side of Ali, where all she can see is the darkness ahead…and
those she cares about joining her in “The Hanging Tree”]
I’m Just Your Problem – Adriana Figueroa (YT: Adrisaurus)
[May have given me the words to put to Ali’s thoughts towards the end XD]
A Change of Purpose
Ali turned to look at the clock on the bedside table. 3:17am she thought. Wonderful. It’s not as if I wanted to sleep, anyway. She tutted,
sourly. Pushing herself up, she leant against the headboard. Sleep had not been
as easy as she had hoped. It was almost as if her subconscious was aware that
sleep was becoming her escape; her respite, rather than just something
necessary for survival. She closed her eyes and sighed. Mere weeks ago she had
been certain of the path she had chosen to walk. She had gone searching for the
Paladins, with the aim of proving herself, and she had done so. It was not a
random course of action. It was something she had sought out and actively tried
to achieve.
It had not been easy, nor left her unscathed. She had
struggled with nightmares since taking the child’s life, even though she
believed she had done the necessary thing. She had found herself wondering,
ever since, whether the boy would have come with her; whether she could have
convinced him that there were other ways to make things better than calling the
dead to his aid. She had begun to question if she had too quickly treated it as
a “one or the other” situation; one death or many deaths. Had there been an
option for “no deaths whatsoever”?
She snorted derisively. Of course there had been. Kitiara
had been insistent on that one. She could have just walked away. “It wasn’t her
problem”. Ali shook her head. The village would have been wiped out, had she
just walked away. The kid plus
everyone else would have perished. “But it wasn’t her problem”. She shook her
head. As a soldier you got used to getting involved in places that “weren’t
your problem” in a lot of people’s eyes. It’s your job to sort out the messes
that the rest of the world makes.
She swung her legs off the bed and stood up, her eyes
fairly well-adjusted to the darkness. Looking down at her tank top and
tracksuit trousers, her bare feet padded across the wooden floor, and she
reached for a jacket and her shoes. There’s
no point lying here if I’m not going to sleep. She decided. Pocketing her
keys, she walked out of the apartment, and down on to the silent street along
the river. She found herself mulling over her last trip out with the NDF.
Firstly, Mia was there. Ali’s jaw clenched just thinking
about that woman. Her loud mouth and snide comments were the last thing Ali had
needed. All she got from that damned woman were remarks and comments on the
decision she had made the last time they had travelled together. She regretted
not taking the action against her she had threatened. Cutting her acidic little
tongue out might actually have saved everyone
a headache. Because of Mia’s comments, Ali had found herself explaining her
decisions to Kitiara.
She respected Kitiara. On her first mission, she had
defended Kitiara with her life, and Kitiara had returned the favour, pulling
her up off the floor and getting her to safety. Yet it seemed no such respect
had been won in the opposite direction; or if it had, it had been lost with Ali’s
admission as to what had happened when she was not around. She found herself
trying to stand up to what seemed like a whirlwind of disapproval and
dismissiveness with nothing to hide behind. She had pointed out that she had “chosen
a side” by joining the NDF in the first place, which Kitiara had dismissed. She
had found herself back on the fringes of a group she had only just managed to
gain some kind of footing in, and with Mia’s continual jibes, she found herself
unwilling to continue on the path with them, but her optimism encouraged her to
follow on, in the hopes she could prove her worth to them and they would
realise she was still just as useful and the same as she had always been.
It didn’t help that she found out what one of her new
abilities was in the midst of battle. A blinding ray of light reaching from her
fingertips, destroying the shade that flew at her.
Ali picked up a stone and skipped it across the surface
of the water, watching the concentric ripples grow wider and wider.
Kitiara had placed her in a warding circle. Out of
everyone, she was the one who had the least issue with it. Anything she could
do to prove she was still their friend; their ally.
Yeah. She
thought, a dismissive “Hah!” escaping her. Because
that really worked.
She struggled to pass through the wards. She could, it
just took a great deal of concerted effort. Kitiara realised, at this point,
just “how deep” she had got in with the Paladins. Cue another lecture and Mia’s
copious use of her new nickname for Ali – “Orphantears”.
She had been so desperate to do her duty and defend them,
that twice she had needed aid. This in itself had led to more warnings from
Kitiara and more jibing from Mia. But she could handle that. She could force
herself to look past Mia (just) and to accept that Kitiara was merely speaking
truth and trying to get her to see the issues with her course of action.
Kitiara also offered, numerous times, to return her to a
normal state. Ali had been adamant not to.
“Why?”
“Because I made a decision. And I’ll live with it.”
“To err is human.”
Ali had had to fight back the urge to respond. She hadn’t
“erred”. She had sought the Paladins out. She had chosen to take their test of
mettle. She hadn’t made an error. She hadn’t accidentally accepted their offer.
She had taken time; thought on it.
However…this meant Kitiara pushed her out of
conversations regarding what to do with a Paladin artefact…that the elves
wanted. Being told to sit on a log was demeaning. She found herself pacing,
toying with the idea of just leaving; letting them do as they wished and
showing a clear dismissal of her involvement with them. She had let them do
everything they wished; she had allowed herself to be questioned and
experimented with and placed herself between them and those trying to harm
them. Was there anything more she could have done to prove her intentions to
them?
And then John came over, telling her it was “time to go
home”. Ali hadn’t needed telling twice. She had strode off, leaving them to do
whatever it was they needed to do.
And that had left her here. Standing throwing stones into
the river at 3:20ish in the morning. I’m
just their problem. She thought sourly. I’m
not even a person any more to them. She looked at herself. Maybe I’m not a person any more full stop.
She walked further down the river. I was
willing to die for them. I was willing to let them escape without me. Yes, I’ve
“picked a side”, so have they! All of us picked a side when we signed up with
the NDF. Yes, I chose to join the Paladins. Yes, I agreed to fight to their
rules. There were no caveats for anyone else, I made sure of that. I’m the one being scrutinised, not
them. I wouldn’t have joined them otherwise. The last time they scrutinised Nat,
they tried to kill us both. I fight to the same rules I fought before; I wouldn’t
have been able to join anyone who had an issue with that. I defend the same
people I defended before. I am no different.
She sighed, and sat herself down upon a bench. Treat me like an enemy…and I will have no
choice but to become that which you want me to be. I offered you the opportunity
to strike me down if you saw me as a threat but you didn’t, yet you still treat
me as if I were one. Then fine. Watch as the defender grows distant. Watch as I
back away from the frontline as often. Watch as I watch your back but warn you
of nothing. I will not allow you to die. I have caused one innocent death
already; I do not intend to allow another, but I will not be the firm ally I
have been so far. And when my abilities come to be useful; you better be stood there taking note.
Because you will realise what help I
can bring. And you will realise the
ally you are losing.
There are so few
reasons for me to stand here as your ally right now. She thought,
contemptuously, as she stood, determined. She began to stride back to the
apartment, jaw set, face stony. Make it
worth my while.
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