I walked away.
I walked away.
I hope, for my own sake, whoever is meant to be observing what I do was indisposed.
And it had to be Arry, of all people. One of the people I respect the most out of this entire dysfunctional group. It couldn't be Little Miss Mouthy, or someone like that...but one of the people I would never wish any harm to...
And Kitiara...I could have slapped the damned woman. I would never harm Arry. Not unless there was literally no other option. I know Little Miss Mouthy considers me a monster, but I had hoped Kitiara at least held some vestige of hope that I hadn't forgotten my humanity altogether. She turned to me for aid in the ritual to defend him. So why then does she have so little faith in me? I offered my skills to the NDF to help them in the creation of new weapons to give us the best chance of surviving Jack...only to find they were unnecessary anyway.
What more can I do, Kitiara? What more can I do to prove I am working for your benefit as much as mine? I don't ask for you to treat me as an equal. It's clear I am past that point in your eyes, not wholly wrongly...but I ask for the smallest amount of trust. I am not unreasonable. I forced myself to stand firm even when that damned heart beat within its container. I allowed two of your men to study the light I can create so you stood a better chance at surviving. I forced myself to stay my hand while Arry was stood there, inviting that thing into his body. I allowed you to talk to the accursed being, and even took myself away so I did nothing rash when Arry decided to join its cause. What more do you want of me?
I'm going to have hell to pay when I meet up with my "brethren" again. No doubt the fact I allowed a vampire to escape will be seen as wholly unacceptable, and even more so that another of our number has chosen to join them...
I should have stuck to my guns. I should have taken the Vampire out before it had a chance to get its hands on Arry. I should have stopped the talking and ended it. I could have. I know I could have. But I don't know how long I would have remained safe amongst the group. No-one stood up in my way...but I know there have been conversations regarding me amongst the others. I am sure they have spoken of how to "deal" with me should I go against their pack opinion. I barely dare utter a word when Kitiara is around. There is no point in making points when they are only to be rebuffed mere seconds later. I gain nothing from talk. I gain scarce more in my silence.
I know the information they got was useful. I know it was of benefit to allow the being to continue his explanations...but I feel as though I failed myself. Had I not stayed my hand...I could have stopped Arry from walking down the Shades' path.
He spoke to me after. He does not know the regret I hold. I can only hope I never find myself in the position of having to walk alongside him on a path I cannot accept...I do not want him as my enemy. I do not want to have to fight him. I have not forgotten how brave he was when he took the artefact on his own, while surrounded by enemies, as I sought to protect Kitiara...he is not a bad person...he is just choosing a dark, dark route to walk.
And then there's Kitiara once more. After how vocal she was against my decision, barely a word seemed to be uttered after Arry made his decision. No "you've chosen a side, you've picked a side", no "you're not one of us any more". None of that. Apparently being her pet brings anti-lecture privileges. I know it's not Arry's fault that Kitiara seems so horribly biased. Maybe she just feels a need to be at such events, so she can feel important and necessary. Unfortunately, my life is not hers to dictate, and apparently even her "champion" has his own mind.
Dean tried to make conversation. Perhaps I was a little sharp with him. However...I cannot allow him to use me as a lab rat. I am sure that Kitiara has a plan to "deal" with me if I get out of line...but I cannot guarantee that such a plan would not be executed early should they be able to replicate all my abilities. I only allowed the study of the light I was able to generate so they could defend themselves against Jack, which turned out to be pointless. Now they have technology they can use in place of me, and I have helped in no way to the cause I hoped to. I cannot offer them this forever. I need to be of use. I need to be invaluable. I can't let them know all I know...for I doubt I would be allowed to live much longer. Little does Kitiara know that by making it clear that I am an outsider, she is ensuring I never aid her and the group to my fullest extent.
He wants to be my friend. He wants to support me. I should not push him away...but I have to. I cannot risk becoming too close to the NDF. I fear I am paranoid, but I have every reason to be. I cannot allow myself to believe I have friends within the NDF. Kitiara and the others have formed their opinions of me and seek to broadcast it to all who join their fight. I know it will not be long before I am cast out. I am, whether I like it or not, no longer one of them. I am drifting away, slowly but surely...and I don't know if I will ever be able to come back.
I'm frightened. I am frightened of the reaction of those I have to report to...and of what my future holds.
Nat...why did you have to leave me? Had I known how isolated I feel...had I known how much of an outcast I was to become...with you as my only beacon of light in such tumultuous, dark waters...I would have fought so much harder against your deal. The information you gained was wonderful, and we would have struggled to stop Jack without it...but there had to be something else we could have traded for it.
Then again...I'm not sure I would have wanted you here when I made that journey to the Paladins. I don't know if you would be so sympathetic had you been with me. I don't know if my one source of comfort and solace these days...would have sided with Little Miss Mouthy and Kitiara. Would I have been completely alone? Would I have faced everything, and everyone's judgement, without support?
Perhaps being with the Djinn was the right place for you to be. I can only hope I don't lose what little humanity I have managed to cling to before you return. Your return can't come soon enough. I'm beginning to believe Kitiara...and I don't like the direction its taking me in. Help me be the exception to her rules, Nat, please...
Please...
Help me.
I know the information they got was useful. I know it was of benefit to allow the being to continue his explanations...but I feel as though I failed myself. Had I not stayed my hand...I could have stopped Arry from walking down the Shades' path.
He spoke to me after. He does not know the regret I hold. I can only hope I never find myself in the position of having to walk alongside him on a path I cannot accept...I do not want him as my enemy. I do not want to have to fight him. I have not forgotten how brave he was when he took the artefact on his own, while surrounded by enemies, as I sought to protect Kitiara...he is not a bad person...he is just choosing a dark, dark route to walk.
And then there's Kitiara once more. After how vocal she was against my decision, barely a word seemed to be uttered after Arry made his decision. No "you've chosen a side, you've picked a side", no "you're not one of us any more". None of that. Apparently being her pet brings anti-lecture privileges. I know it's not Arry's fault that Kitiara seems so horribly biased. Maybe she just feels a need to be at such events, so she can feel important and necessary. Unfortunately, my life is not hers to dictate, and apparently even her "champion" has his own mind.
Dean tried to make conversation. Perhaps I was a little sharp with him. However...I cannot allow him to use me as a lab rat. I am sure that Kitiara has a plan to "deal" with me if I get out of line...but I cannot guarantee that such a plan would not be executed early should they be able to replicate all my abilities. I only allowed the study of the light I was able to generate so they could defend themselves against Jack, which turned out to be pointless. Now they have technology they can use in place of me, and I have helped in no way to the cause I hoped to. I cannot offer them this forever. I need to be of use. I need to be invaluable. I can't let them know all I know...for I doubt I would be allowed to live much longer. Little does Kitiara know that by making it clear that I am an outsider, she is ensuring I never aid her and the group to my fullest extent.
He wants to be my friend. He wants to support me. I should not push him away...but I have to. I cannot risk becoming too close to the NDF. I fear I am paranoid, but I have every reason to be. I cannot allow myself to believe I have friends within the NDF. Kitiara and the others have formed their opinions of me and seek to broadcast it to all who join their fight. I know it will not be long before I am cast out. I am, whether I like it or not, no longer one of them. I am drifting away, slowly but surely...and I don't know if I will ever be able to come back.
I'm frightened. I am frightened of the reaction of those I have to report to...and of what my future holds.
Nat...why did you have to leave me? Had I known how isolated I feel...had I known how much of an outcast I was to become...with you as my only beacon of light in such tumultuous, dark waters...I would have fought so much harder against your deal. The information you gained was wonderful, and we would have struggled to stop Jack without it...but there had to be something else we could have traded for it.
Then again...I'm not sure I would have wanted you here when I made that journey to the Paladins. I don't know if you would be so sympathetic had you been with me. I don't know if my one source of comfort and solace these days...would have sided with Little Miss Mouthy and Kitiara. Would I have been completely alone? Would I have faced everything, and everyone's judgement, without support?
Perhaps being with the Djinn was the right place for you to be. I can only hope I don't lose what little humanity I have managed to cling to before you return. Your return can't come soon enough. I'm beginning to believe Kitiara...and I don't like the direction its taking me in. Help me be the exception to her rules, Nat, please...
Please...
Help me.
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